Confidential Sale

My email box is almost always full of messages from friends, colleagues, newsletters, and the not-so-occasional spammers. I strive for inbox zero, but somehow rarely achieve it. However, I do make a regular effort to check, read, sort, and sometimes even respond to the emails I receive.

Today, I received a unique business opportunity in my inbox. The subject line read:

[Confidential] Ever Considered Selling Georgetown University?

Why no, Mr. Bond^[1], I had not considered selling the university I work for and in no way actually own. However, it is important to keep an open mind about such well-thought-out business opportunities.

The biggest question is, should I sell the university as one single entity? Or, should I consider splitting it up to sell in parts? The football team could become its own NFL franchise^[2]. The library has a strong potential to become a vintage bookstore and coffee shop. The Law School could spin off into its own top-tier law firm, emphasizing on-the-job learning. The nursing and medical schools can wholly merge with the hospital as its own succinct entity.

However, there are complications to this plan. Alumni get a bit touchy when their alma mater disappears into the ether of capitalism. Students might revolt against the idea of their beacon of higher education being turned into a series of ad-hoc start ups. Not to mention the issues of identity and name recognition. And, of course, the small detail that I am not the actual owner of this, or any, university.

So, Mr. Bond^[3], while I have given your kind, and no longer confidential, offer serious consideration, I fear I must decline it at this time. However, I remain open to other business opportunities, strategic partnerships, and ideas that begin with the phrase “surprisingly legal ways to….”^[4]