Hiatus

Well, IUI attempt #3 was a bust. I am heartbroken, not just because this failed, but because I honestly thought it was going well.

I had symptoms.

I am even pretty sure they were not psychosomatic. There were days when I felt nauseous after eating. Right before AF reared her ugly head, my breasts hurt. I mean, they hurt. That is saying a lot, since in my particular case, there isn’t much there to hurt. Even when AF did come, it was different. The first day and a half were very slow, which is not even close to my normal. You could almost say I was more spotting than anything. I honestly thought it was implantation bleeding, at least until it went to full flow.

Needless to say, my body duped me. I’m sure it was all hormones and stress. I have spent the last 3 months strategically putting foreign material into my body. My systems are understandably freaking out.

So, what’s next?

I am taking a break. I am going overseas on vacation in two months. The thought of trying again with my next (pre-vacation) cycle did occur to me. However my friends, nurse, and random not-exactly-strangers in my online support group all agree that I should wait until after my trip.

Intellectually, I agree.

Emotionally, I feel like a two-month wait means that I will lose momentum, despite the fact that momentum is not a real thing here. However, I have been feeling more symptoms with each attempt. Maybe that means I am getting closer with each try? Also, I am almost 40. Assuming I get pregnant at some point, I will definitely be over 40 when this kid is born. That number bothers me more and more with each passing month.

Intellect wins the day.

Regardless of my emotions – or because of them – I need the break. These past 3 months have been emotionally exhausting. It’s like going for an audition, thinking you nailed it, and then getting a letter in giant red letters that says you have been rejected… and then repeating the process over and over again. Just typing that last sentence was exhausting.

One last thing (for now):

I received my new protocol for attempt #4. While my last 3 attempts have been with my natural cycle, attempt #4 will feature all the drugs. Well, not really all of them. But I will be on 3 different medications:

• Clomid: At least that one is oral. It stimulates egg production. I will be on a very low dose, which still increases my chances for multiples. I don’t pray, but I am also a one-at-a-time kind of girl, so I may start.
• Ovidrel: The trigger shot.
• Prometrium: A capsule I have to take vaginally. Vaginally How the f#%$ do you take a pill vaginally?!? I mean, I’m sure it’s possible, otherwise my doctor would not prescribe that, but… wtf?!

See you all in 2 months. If I were you, I would expect a lot more swearing and use of the word “vaginally” here when I come back.