Oh hello, hormones
Yesterday was an incredibly bad day. I have read about postpartum depression. It is something I had been worried about for the majority of my pregnancy because of my history of anxiety. A friend of mine even talked to me about it way before I delivered.
Last week - the week I delivered - was complete insanity between the surprise c-section, meeting and getting to know my new daughter, and the subsequent hospital stay.
However, yesterday everything hit me hard. Like, ton of bricks times twelve, hard. I can list off so many quantifiable reasons for this:
- I have a new baby!
- Not to mention this is my first baby.
- Plus I have not had a whole lot of exposure to babies.
- My mom is here helping me out with things, but that has turned into her taking over my house. Considering I have lived alone for the past 14+ years, I am not OK with that.
- Because of the c-section, I have had mobility issues since the delivery. For someone who is both independent and very active (oh my goodness, I miss running!), this is slowly killing me.
I’ve been able to handle all of this… kind of. What really sets me off into a meltdown-grade sobbing fit is actually thinking about my daughter. (Seriously, I’m crying as I’m writing this right now.) She is beautiful and perfect… and I don’t want her to change. I love her so completely when I see her as she is now. However, when I think about her in the future - months from now, years from now, all grown up - I break down. I know I will love her then just as much as I do now, but I also don’t want her to change at all.
Her crazy, raging, snuggling newborn self is amazing. I really just want to freeze time and live with her in this moment forever. It breaks my heart that she’s going to change so quickly, even though that change will also be beautiful and exciting. I want to remember the way she looks right now. I want to remember the weird old-man face she makes just before she starts crying. I want to remember how her voice sounds in this moment. I want to remember how she looks at me when she snuggles in for a nap on my chest. I am recording everything because I don’t want to forget a thing.