A time-out to think
My doctor-imposed 2-month delay on starting my treatment (thank you chicken pox immunity woes) has given me a lot of time to think. Too much time, really.
The tech world has a phenomenon called “imposter syndrome”, where you are working in a position that you deserve to be in, but you don’t think you are good enough to be in that position. You do your work and you do it well, but all the while, you have thoughts:
“This isn’t good enough. I shouldn’t be working on this. Someone else can do this better. The team will figure this out eventually.”
I have been having impostor syndrome about my own theoretical role as Mom.
My current inner dialog…
“I can’t do this. I won’t be good enough to raise a child. Especially not by myself. Lots of people can do this better. Lots of people already do this better. Someone will figure this out eventually.” In my head, I go through all 18 years of this non-existent kid’s life in a matter of minutes and think about all the ways I will not be good enough.
Time for a thought-shift.
I am in month 1 of this 2-month “wait for the chicken pox vaccine to work” hiatus. One month is more than enough time for my impostor syndrome thoughts to have life.
I am going to spend the next month churning up some real, positive thoughts.
- I have a lot of love. (Though sometimes showing emotion is hard.)
- I have a lot of experience. (That’s my way of saying being older is awesome.)
- I have a lot of quirk. (Life is too short to be “normal”.)
- Therefore, I have a lot to give to my future child. (Screw you, impostor syndrome. I’m awesome!)